So scared…

Things aren’t really looking up lately and I’m scared of how I feel at this point. Things have just been so super stressful and I’m wondering how I can go on with this without telling Jerad that I feel like we are falling apart.  The last thing I want to have happen is our relationship come to an end. There needs to be a point in time where things get better though. I just don’t see it happening unless we both have couples counseling. I can’t marry him if things don’t get better. That’s what scares me the most. I don’t want to have to live my life without him, but I also don’t want to live my life in a constant argument…

I hope to god I can figure this all out and I hope I can talk him into seeking help with me. Counseling is a good thing for people, and I think it would really help our situation considerably.

Beyond all of the fiance’ drama, I had a great time and hung out with Samantha this weekend. She is definatly one of the nicest people that I’ve met and I’m super happy to have gotten the chance to chill with her. <3 Here are some pictures of ournight.

Wow, what a crazy half of a year this has been. I mean really. I’m so happy this court shit is done with. I’m really not the type of person who gets into trouble, that’s all I’m saying. But it’s done now.

I feel like a million bricks were lifted off my chest. My dad offered me a job to continue painting with him, apparently I’m a great worker! That makes me soo happy. I have yet to figure out what it is I have to be mad about today. I can’t think of ANYTHING. Today is sooo sunny and soo perfect. I wish I was this happy everyday actually, lol.

School Stresses

I was having so much anxiety over keeping up with my school work. I realized I either had to call my school and figure out what I can do to raise my grades up or I would have to fail my class completely. I called them and found out that I had the ability to drop my class and continue with my Humanities class. Now when my Humanities class is finished, I’m going to start my Communications class back up.

When I found all of this out, I was so super relieved and happy to hear this I can’t even explain it, lol. I thought that I’d have to accept the D or F in the class and that just isn’t a good enough grade to me. I’m used to getting A’s and B’s. That’s it.

Anyways, since all that is dealt with I now have to deal with coming up with $2,000 on a down payment for a trailer for my parents and I to move into. We will see how that goes. I’m so nervous about it because, obviously, I don’t have a job and I’m seriously doubting I’ll be able to come up with that type of money. Another stress thrown at me! Woot!

Things seem so much brighter today. Although, I do wish the sun was out. I feel like things aren’t as horrible as they have been the past few days and I hope this feeling stays awhile because damn, I need it to.

I plan on changing my life around a little bit. I’m going to start with the things I’m doing that make me stress out, like smoking and thinking about my past. I always think about my past and really it’s not even worth my time at all. I don’t really get why people even bring up the past anymore. All it does to me is stress me the hell out and frustrate me, so what’s the point? I think you truly have to just let go of the past and move on with your life. I think that is the only way that you can be content with yourself. Smoking is just a bad habit all together and I don’t need to explain why I need to quit that, we already know!

I need to study more on Buddhism because that also makes me happy =p! So maybe I’ll start doing that as well. Anyways, I’m getting that this blog entry is kind of me just planning out the next few months. Lol…So I’ll end it here. Later guys!

Today was an interesting day I guess. I got to spend the last couple days visiting my Grandma and my Uncle. It was nice because I spent the 4th of July at my Grandma’s house, this way she wasn’t spending it alone. No one in the family really showed up, but we made the best of it and barbequed up some dank food.

A few days before that I spent the day with my brother Mikey and Uncle Tad as well and we went out for margaritas. Mikey obviously didn’t get to enjoy any margaritas with me but it was nice to treat him to a nice dinner, since he doesn’t get that kind of treatment too much. I wish I could give him the world because he deserves that. If I had the ability to, I would take Mikey in and give him a place to live and get him the things he needs because I know what it feels like to grow up without the things you need. Like clothes, food, and other things that you just shouldn’t have to go without.

When I have kids someday, they will always have the things they need and they will have the life that I wish I would have had. I will treat them 100 times better than my parents treated me.

Here are some pictures of my night with Mikey and Tad: